mm

up until today i have had an unnatural affection toward soymilk.  it got to the point where i would literally go twice a day to get 2 half gallons of it.  that’s 2 gallons of soymilk a day.

it’s shit like this that leads me to determine NOT trying cocaine would be great!  i would simply get too much cocaine.

it’s more than addictive and i am finally stopping this nonsense.  i do still have cravings for it, but alas it has only been a day.  i find “Shweppes” ginger ale a good substitute……..though it will never suffice to that vanilla goodness in a carton.

i spent all of last night hanging out with a new best friend.  we met at 7:00pm and went home drunkenly at 2:00am.  here’s the catch: he is from london and is going home in a week!

brings me to my point; i think all friendships should be week-long endeavors.

we had a great time and the conversation kept flowing because we knew so little about our seperated nations.  me and harry talked of topical debates, media differences, and simple word confusions - like “bathroom”.  haha, you wouldn’t understand.

friendships wouldn’t suck so much if we only knew someone long enough to still think they were cool.

fucking weird.  all these guys are going away, seems like yesterday.

i recently spent a week in munich and got to visit the famous hofbrahaus.  hb is to beer halls as times square is to squares.

i thought there was so much american culture over there, and whaddaya know? we got their culture here. i was blown away to see this in the west village.

TOP 5 SHOW PICKS OF THE WEEK

i have been spending a lot of time sleeping on couches in Harlem recently. i have taken up critiquing tv shows.

1: AMERICA’S BEST DANCE CREW SEASON 2 AUDITIONS

watching the dancing on this show is like paying attention to the cinematography in a porno. let’s be honest, we watch it for lil’ mama. lil’ mama (little mother) is pictured above sucking on baby bling. she is also judging the intense auditions for season 2 of ABDC. here is a recent judgement, ‘…y’all needs ta bring it - dis season 2.’ woah, SHE IS BRUTAL! …..and extremely high. lil’ mama’s decision to smoke a blunt before filming makes this show shoot right to number 1!

2. LIVING LOHAN

lindsay lohan’s mom breeds the best. see how mother-of-the-year does it all. sit on your couch and do as everyone does who watches this show, sit through every episode hoping lindsay comes and cagematch’s the bloodhound of a bitch.

3. HOW IT’S MADE

have you ever wondered how they make golf tees, street lamps, or herses? i think i’ve got the show for you. if you struggle to make conversation on the golf course, on a sidewalk during the night, or at a loved one’s funeral - this show is such a helper. no more awkward “he was so nice” talk. blah blah blah. how about how they sawed the chassis of a cadillac with a fire blower as a by-the-casket coversation?

4. TILA TEQUILA REPEATS

you just catch things more the second time you watch it. bo’s an asshole.

5. DOGS WITH JOBS

these dogs have really hard jobs. catch last week’s episode: Lassie: The Dog Accountant.

MOVIE REVIEW: Chronicles of Narnia: Prince Caspian

i went to the world premiere of ‘Prince Caspian’ at the zigfeld theater in midtown. after me and bud’s press passes were revoked for not being part of a legit publication i decided to post my thoughts here, as a Grand Master.

hob nobbing with the smarter, more well-groomed, and overall better people of britain and getting to pee in really nice bathrooms were some of the perks of attending the premiere. but enough about the perks. LOOK OUT JEWS!!

in my professional forecast of the entertainment industry, jews will no longer be in control. In fact, CGI will control all media. in this film the star power lied in a computer-created mouse holding a computer-created sword soaring in the computer-created skies on computer-created terradactyls computer-created to make terradactyl noises. computer-created.

****

i gave this movie 4 stars, for the little girl in it (who i now am suspicious of being computer-created). oh man, she was amazing. a fiesty little one. oh, and watch out for the bitchy lion. he gets so bitchy. the lion reminds me of a bitchy girlfriend i had in high school.

and a holler out to my man will moseley, for tearin shit up with a sword.

THE N NETWORK TO PREMIERE THAT 70’S SHOW.

i am to star as a “principal” actor in the promotional campaign for Fox’s hit television series, That 70’s Show, to be broadcast via syndicated technology on the “N” network (for teens).

i can only imagine how excited you are that i will be on tv again. making my big comeback after the success of my part as the “Extra” in a web spot for a cleaner america. enough about my successes.

i hope it doesn’t sway your feelings now that you know i have no dialogue. my actions speak a billion words. a true actor doesn’t need words to convey their message. a true actor can work with their body instrument to create a craft so beautiful……oh yeah, no head. no head. you can’t see my head, they cut that off in the campaign. but back to what i was saying. an actor can use their body (minus head and face) to convey thoughts and ideas louder than words themselves.

it was an easy shoot, you could imagine with no faces to make and no lines to screw up it must have been a jiffy. a whole 14-hour jiffy! i didn’t see the light of day! all worth it for my 10 seconds of fame to be broadcast exclusively on the “N” network (for teens).

ah, when i get my big fat 3-digit check you’ll all be the ones laughing.